Believe it or not it’s actually been nearly six months since I have blogged, the girls have started crawling and life has been pretty chaotic. But today I did something that scared the shit out of me and something I’ve not done. I went out completely on my own with the girls to our local national trust property. We played on the swings and threw sticks in the river. I didn’t rush home to feed them, I sat on my own with two one year olds in high chairs, throwing overly priced toast on the floor while I had a cup of tea and more overly priced cake. Not gonna lie it was stressful but it was strangely liberating.
The past few months since the girls started crawling I have kind of felt restricted and imprisoned in a way by them. The kick off, scream and cause chaos 99% of the places we go and I find I’m always stressed out to the tits. I have attempted Mums and tots groups and it’s just an hour of me becoming a sweaty mess chasing one twin, while the other is stealing another kids ham (this actually happened Ilaria is a ham thief, right outta the kids mouth). I end up spending my time apologising for my kids behaviour and tidying up their mess. I don’t ever get to sit and chat to the other Mums with cuppas in their hands whose kids are playing nicely with the playdough. So I have stopped knackering myself out with the baby classes and Mums and tots and as such have kind of become a social recluse. Me and the girls don’t really have a routine, we have no weekly play date or classes and I fear been invited to things cause I know how chaotic it will be. And seriously I’ve got quiet down and lost with it all, not able to find an outlet for the girls or for myself. And feeling a total sense of loosing myself, the once bubbly, chatty Nicola is now too busy to chat or replies to messages three days later simple because I am that busy caring for twins. And people start to loose interest with you, they think maybe your been ignorant or no longer value their friendship but the fact is life with twins is fucking hard and most days you are just surviving until bed time. I struggle to find where Nicola twin Mum fits in, most baby groups or Mums and tots don’t seem overly accommodating to two one year olds and most of the classes require you to hold, lift or dance about with your baby and with twins that’s impossible. So unless I have an extra pair of hands to attend these classes with me it’s something me and the girls cannot do. And that’s where the Mum guilt comes in, my girls are missing out on these classes and experiences simply because they were born a twin!
But this today going out just me and the girls I actually enjoyed their company, I enjoyed been on my own with them, I enjoyed been brave enough to have the balls to sit in a café and ignore the stares as my two screamed, yelled and tantrumed. Was it stressful? yes! but this is the start for me and my girls. I have twins that doesn’t mean I have to be housebound it means I have to just learn to live with the extra chaos twins bring. Will I have to pick up all their food off the floor? Yes! Will I have to move most the tables and chairs in the café to fit my huge double buggy in? Yes! Will they scream and yell out of excitement? Yes! But we will be out building memories and enjoying the freedom however chaotic. Just us three.