For so long I had dreamed of being a mum, dreamed of the day trips to petting zoo’s (mostly for my husband who is so into animals), dreamed of lazy days at home with my babies while it rained outside. It was all I wanted and the IVF process we went through to achieve our little munchkins made them even more special and wanted.
And for the past six months I have pretty much dedicated my body, my soul and my entire being to my two little girls. But somewhere in between the leaking nipples and mind numbing endless episodes of ‘In the night garden’ I have lost myself, lost me, Nicola. It’s a weird feeling and I’ve been struggling with it these past few weeks, it’s an endless cycle of bottles, cleaning, washing, nappies, baths and crying. Where is the time for me, to just be me?
I suddenly have no purpose, I don’t have a work meeting to make or a shop to run, I don’t need to be in the daily commute that I used to curse daily, I don’t need to out the house and at work on time. Jesus most days I don’t even brush my hair I work on a different schedule now, a feeding schedule, a nap time schedule, a mum schedule. Having worked my entire life from the age of sixteen it’s a weird feeling not actually having to work. I always said “I can’t wait to be a stay at home wife looking after the kids” but now I have it it’s actually hard to adjust to and accept. I miss having a reason, a purpose a reason to do my hair and put make up on, a reason to dress in something other than leggings and a t-shirt. I miss having somewhere to be and somewhere to go. My husband told me I do have a purpose and that is my daughters, which yeah I totally agree but can’t I be greedy and want both. Cant I want a career and be a mum?
I totally feel like I have been reborn, there is pre Mum Nicola and now this updated version, post Mum Nicola and honestly I’m not sure which one I’m comfortable been. Sure the obvious has changed my boobs now resemble saggy balls and I can actually hold stuff under them, quite a party trick. My belly which was once toned is now wobbly, I seem to have aged about 90 years and have wrinkles all over my face, luckily I was fortunate enough not to get stretch marks. But I expected all these changes its part and parcel of growing a baby (or two in my case) inside you for nine months but I didn’t account for the emotional loss of the old me. I feel like I’m mourning my old self and learning to adjust to this new updated Mum version of myself. Don’t get me wrong I’m totally happy with my life and beyond happy to have my two little miracles its just a transitional period. I feel like frigging Bruce Jenner transitioning into Caitlyn there are parts and aspects of the old me and my old life, that I really don’t wanna give up. I’ve accepted that the pre Mum Nicola, she has died that me will never be back because my priorities have changed but I’m struggling to find out who the new me is.
Am I really cut out for been the Stepford wife, baking in a floral piny waiting for the hubby to get home (although with my baking he will probs run the other way) or do I need to find a new path that I can follow? Am I ready to bury the old pre Mum Nicola and the carefree responsibility free life she had? Can’t I be a parent and have a social life, can’t I be Mum and Nicola. Why does pre Mum Nicola have to die for Mum Nicola to exist (I feel like Harry Potter and Voldemort neither can live while the other is alive!) I’m hoping I start to find my new position and new role and adjust to been a new me, adjust to been a Mum. I’m shocked by how different life is and I’m only six months into been a Mother, I was maybe one of the naïve ones who thought that Motherhood doesn’t change your life that much, how wrong was I!
It’s a weird feeling becoming a mother, you plan and prepare for everything, you read the parenting books, you buy the new ‘it’ baby sleeping pod or baby vegan, cruelty free, cold pressed coconut lotion that everyone is using. You plan everything for the new baby but you don’t plan for the new you, you don’t plan for the emotional toll becoming a mother has on you. You don’t account for the loss of your former self and you don’t account for all the sacrifices you will make physically and emotionally for your baby.
Motherhood truly is a blessing but it is also a sacrifice.