So your thinking of taking a trip away with your twins and you want some help and tips? Well here they are.
Don’t do it, seriously don’t it’s not worth it your crazy to even think it, do you really need to go to that family wedding in the summer or aunt Mabel’s 80th? Seriously don’t do it just become a social recluse and decline all invites until the twins are at least thirteen. I have endured two trips away with the twins and trust me its not pretty, im still receiving counselling (joking)
But if you are set on a trip away with twins (your crazy) here are my top tips on how to survive and tell the horrific tale.
1- Take wine, in fact bugger that alcohol in any form will do, vodka, beer, wine, that hand sanitizer in the glove box that will do. You will defo need it when you finally arrive at your destination.
2 – Pack the car like a pro at a Jenga world championship. Anything you need in seconds needs to be at an arms reach. You need a bib; you need be able to get that in a second so pack it close by. Any small orifice of the car can be used to stuff all the essential items. Pull down the sun shield, you can pack a few muslins in there no probs, the glovebox that’s huge you can have nappies in there ready for that poo explosion (that will most likely happen in that traffic jam on the M6)
3 – Train yourself and limber up! So your driving 70mph on the motor way and one of your twins is sick and starts choking on it, you need to have the agility of a collie at Cruffs and be able to contour your body across into the back seat while someone is driving, steady yourself and clear the sick from your baby’s throat without actually taking your seatbelt off and not actually removing the baby from their car seat. On a recent trip to Devon (a holiday I naively agreed to before the girls were born, thinking it would be easy peasy) I had to administer the girls their ranitadine on the motorway while the car was been driven at 70mph, trust me needs must.
4 – Take, wipes, wipes and more wipes, and tissues and more wipes. There will be dribble, sick, spilt drinks, melted ice cream all over the car, you need wipes at your disposal to wipe all the crap up!
5 – Take a lot of stops, gone are the days where you can bomb from Bristol to Birmingham in 2 hours with no motorway stops. Them service stations you used to drive on past happy in the knowledge you would be home in a few hours, well you need them now. The kids will need air and need out of their car seats, the dog will need a wee and to bark at half the population at Micheal wood services and you, well you will take the few minutes sitting on the toilet as a welcome break from the chaos of the car, oh and you can grab a coffee. We had to stop 3 times on a trip down to Norfolk recently, a journey which took us 7 hours! We stopped to change the girls, feed them, let the dog go for a little walk, eat some lunch and to up our caffeine intake.
6 – Prepare all bottles before you leave and take extra just incase you get stuck in traffic. I made up 4 bottles for each twin on our Norfolk trip, so if we got stuck in traffic, I had the girls food ready. And thank god I did since we were stuck in a constant traffic jam! I didn’t have to stress and worry about how I was gonna boil water and make the bottles I had them all ready.
7 – Be adaptable and ready for change. So you have finally got past the traffic jam and made it to the service station, you wrestle your twins inside the baby change to find what can only be described as a ‘dirty protest’ has taken place. So be adaptable. I wasn’t gonna change my girls in the filth of that baby change facility, so I changed them on the passenger seat of my car. Which also wasn’t a great idea, (thank god for leather seats) my daughter pissed all over our car seat. But it was better than changing her in filth. So be prepared for change and to think on your feet, which been a twin parent im sure is something your used to.
8 – Plan your route, have a sat nav, and a map as a back up. You do not want to be lost with screaming twins and a dog in the car, that will lead to screaming at each other, probably a divorce and perhaps the need for counselling. Get your sat nav revved up and set to your destination before you pile all the family in the car. And fill the fuel tank the day before you don’t need to be stuck in the queue for petrol paying sky-high prices on a motor way services because your running on fumes.
9 – Take provisions for the journey, sweets, drinks anything that will help keep your mind off the chaos ensuing around you. That diet you were on will be on hold for this journey, you’re gonna need that burger from McDonald’s at the service station just to keep your moral high so don’t feel guilty about it. I think a journey with twins would make the healthiest vegan run into the arms of a burger.
10 – Breath, meditate, chant, find your mantra do what you gotta do to stay calm. I could have lost it many times, but somehow managed to stay semi calm. Even when driving home from Norfolk with my mother as my co pilot, the dog woke up from the back of the car and barked the loudest most panicked bark, and kept barking frantically, waking the twins and literally scaring the crap outta them. He barked shocked the girls and BOTH twins had full on poo explosions, so now our car smells of shit, the dogs barking frantically and we have two screaming babies in the back. The dog at the previous pit stop had over indulged on a liter bottle of water and now was about to piss himself, I was stuck driving down the M6 in heavy traffic and the next lay by or pit stop wasn’t for about ten miles. I honestly felt like stopping the car holding up the m6 getting out the car and screaming at the sky like some crazed woman but I kept myself together and just carried on driving since I literally couldn’t do anything else. My mother by this time was arse in the air leaning into the back trying to calm two terrified babies with dummy’s and calm a dog who was about to burst. We made it to the nearest layby, left the car running and sprinted around the boot to lift the dog out (I have a boxer dog so it takes two to lift him) and the pressure of us lifting him out the boot caused him to piss all over us. By this point I really didn’t care whats a bit of dog piss! We then had to change the girls nappies, thank god they hadn’t leaked into their car seats, cause if they had I honestly think I would have just classed the car as a total write off and request the AA to collect us.
And final tip
11 – When you finally make it home, dignity lost, on the brink of divorce, car smelling of crap, two sweaty cranky babies and a wound up dog. Get your laptop and book a weekend away to recover and re cooperate, you deserve it Mumma!